Three Golden Wheels
by Zabbie Q
Summary: A silly retelling of the Greek myth of Atalanta's footrace.


Big special shout out to DJ for encouraging me with this one! :D

* * *

Once upon a time there was an old steamer, who for the purposes of this story we will call Poppa. Poppa was the King of the Track, which admittedly in the show proper was just an empty, celebratory title with no legal jurisdiction or power, but for the purposes of this story, we will say he was a literal king over the other trains.

"I'm not sure how a train society with royalty would realistically exist when trains were built for transporting their human overlords," remarked Poppa, tapping his scepter against his wrinkled jaw, "but if Disney's _Cars_ franchise can pull it off, I'll roll with it."

Now at the time of this story King Poppa had a beautiful pink-and-blonde-haired daughter -

"Aren't I an only child?" Rusty asked the narrator.

That had never been confirmed in canon though, and interviews with actors don't count, so in this story Poppa the steamer had a beautiful pink-and-blonde-haired daughter. She was a motor coach, meaning she was strong enough to pull a train. She had both her own motor (of course) and a coach area for human passengers and luggage (assuming humans even exist in this universe). She was athletic and fast, and she managed her route with her train of cars, going up and down the track everyday, happy and independent.

Too independent in Poppa's opinion. After all, beautiful daughters ought to find beautiful husbands so that they can then build beautiful train babies. As such, one day King Poppa called his pink-and-blonde-haired princess over and said to her, "Pearl, my little motor coach - "

"What?!" screeched Rusty, staring in alarm and disgust at the human typing this story.

"I'm not a motor coach or Poppa's daughter," pointed out Pearl.

"Sweet George Pullman, this is turning into that weird Folgers commercial with the brother and sister at Christmas!" cried Rusty, nearly tearing out his synthetic hair.

However, if the two main characters would shut up for five seconds, they would know that in this story Pearl is a motor coach and the daughter of King Poppa, who has no other children or relatives to speak of.

"Whew!" sighed the two train _innamorati_ in unison.

Anyway, Poppa the steamer called his pink-and-blonde-haired daughter over and said to her, "Pearl, my little motor coach - "

"Wait, what do I look like as a motor coach then?" asked Pearl, interrupting Poppa's plot exposition to look up at the narrator staring at the computer screen.

Pearl the motor coach had pink-and-blonde hair, as previously mentioned. Her torso was pink with pink shoulder pads and had a crisscross design on white V-shaped chest and back areas which were probably windows. Instead of a skirt, she wore black long pants with a line of pink neon windows going down each leg. Very athletic looking in the narrator's opinion.

"So, you're ripping off the older Stephanie Lawrence costume," commented Pearl, glancing down at her old-school outfit.

Pearl clearly did not know the difference between ripping off and paying homage, and she conveniently became mute for the rest of the scene.

"Well, since you're conveniently rendered mute for this scene, my little motor coach," continued Poppa at long last, "let me tell you my thoughts. You are young and beautiful, and you can't keep living with your father now that you're done with college. It's about time you settled down and had your own family."

Pearl shook her head, frowning. She may have had a few dreams of a handsome steamer making whistling sounds at her, but she still had her standards - granted, said standards were mostly just finding a handsome steamer who could make whistling sounds at her, but they were standards nevertheless.

"You're very beautiful," continued Poppa, "and trains always come from all over the world to ask for your wheels in marriage. Pick a suitor, marry him, and build me some grandchildren."

Again Pearl shook her head.

"Too late. A contractor is coming this weekend to look into converting your room to an indoor swimming pool," replied Poppa, holding up his scheduling calendar.

However, Pearl did not want to jump into any romance if there was a possibility of the guy turning out to be a jerk, but Greek myths rarely gave women the time for a proper courtship (especially if it was one where Zeus was involved). Fortunately, this wasn't one of those kinds of myths, and Pearl soon had an idea for a loophole to insert into her father's demands.

Also fortunately, Tassita the quiet coach was nearby, and she was well versed in all forms of silent communication, including charades, and was able to give Pearl's response to this proposition.

"It's a good thing I'm now canon," remarked Tassita.

Pearl tapped her nose in agreement.

Through Tassita, Pearl related her terms for her marriage. As it happened, King Poppa had been a champion racer in his youth, and he had trained Pearl to be the fastest vehicle on the track. So, the beautiful athletic princess suggested a test for finding the perfect husband: she would race her suitors one-on-one, and if a train could beat her, she would marry him. If any lost, they would be dragged to the scrapyard and be dismantled.

"That's exceedingly violent for a PG rating," remarked Poppa. However, rather than taking the hint that his daughter really, really didn't want to get married, the King of the Track agreed to these terms, deciding that it at least made sense that his future son-in-law should be a racer.

* * *

Ever since she had reached breeding age, trains had come from far and wide to ask to wed Princess Pearl, and now the line of suitors that stretched far down the track were told the terms. Surprisingly enough, not everyone turned and fled to the hills once they heard about the race.

"How fast can one little motor coach be?" sniffed the first suitor, who was named Greaseball the diesel. He was a champion racer, handsome, and could do a pretty good Elvis impression at parties. Surely, he would marry the princess and become the next King of the Track.

"But he already has a girlfriend!" cried his disconnected dining car, but she was shushed by Tassita as the princess and her suitor rolled to the start line.

The sirens went off, and Greaseball shot forward at full speed. He dashed up hills, zoomed around corners, and soared right over the Middle Eight Bridge before he realized that Pearl was nowhere near him. He slowed down, looking over his shoulder to see that the princess was still at the starting gate in the distance. "Are you letting me win, princess?" shouted the diesel to the coach, flashing her a smile that usually caused ladies to faint.

"Giving you a headstart!" returned Pearl, and then the motor coach took off - and like the wind she caught up with Greaseball before he could process what was happening. The diesel started up again, and he managed to get back to top speed - but Princess Pearl had already been waiting by the finish line for ten minutes by the time he caught up to her.

"You're way too O.P.!" sneered Greaseball as he was hauled away to the scrapyard to be dismantled.

Fortunately, the dining car he dumped went to a grief counselor and discovered that her unhealthy relationship with Greaseball stemmed from unresolved issues with her father. At counseling she met a red caboose (who was attending therapy by court order), and the two helped each other work through their issues, so at least she got a happy ending out of it.

The next suitor to accept the challenge was an electric train aptly named Electra. He was fabulously dressed, looking very much like a futuristic David Bowie but without the goblins or kidnapped babies. He was followed by his train of slightly less fabulously dressed and jaded baby-sitters - uh, entourage, who carried pieces of his high-tech (for the 1980s) computer.

"How does dividing a computer between six vehicles make any sense?" asked Pearl.

"As if any of my fangirls care," replied Electra before they lined up for the race. "I still get more fanart than any other character in this show."

The sirens went off, and Electra zipped down the track like a fashionable comet - but once again Pearl had allowed for a head start, and once again she pulled ahead and won the race with a landslide victory.

"Mary Sue!" snarled Electra as he too was hauled to the scrapyard.

"Freedom!" cried his components, who then collected the life insurance on Electra (which fortunately included death by Greek myth adaption), and they used the money to open up a bed and breakfast, so at least they got a happy ending as well.

After Electra came the Italian trains, Espresso and Pendelino. They lost and were sent to the scrapyard. Then came the British trains, the City of Milton Keynes and the Prince of Wales. They also lost and were sent to the scrapyard - as were the Russian trains, the German trains, the Orient Express, Ol' 97, Thomas, Percy, the Chattanooga Choo Choo, and the Little Engine that Could.

" _Sweeney Todd_ had less deaths than this fic," remarked Tassita as she surveyed the large piles of metal in the scrapyard which were now tall enough to be seen from the race track.

"Can I stay single now, Poppa?" asked the jaded Pearl.

"It seems to be out of character for me to say no at this point," answered Poppa, but the narrator pointed out that one interpretation of the canon show was that he pretended to be the implied monotheistic train deity and told his maybe son that he was also the implied monotheistic train deity just so that the maybe son would participate in a race. Pretty low move.

"Fair cop," replied the steamer, looking over the blueprints for his still unbuilt swimming pool. "I suppose if all the canon characters are dead, we can open the races to OCs."

Throughout all of this display of trains who ought to have taken a few more minutes to rethink their life choices, one steam locomotive had watched Pearl send countless suitors to their deaths. Instead of getting turned off, he decided he ought to give it a shot. His name was Rusty.

"Nothing says romance like carnage," sighed the lovestruck steamer as yet another suitor was hauled away.

Rusty had been studying Pearl's races, and even though he considered himself to be pretty fast despite his rusted limbs, he also knew he could not race Pearl and survive without a _deus ex machina_. Luckily, said _deus_ could be found down the street at the local 24-hour temple-and-bingo-hall honoring the Starlight Express, and Rusty went and proceeded to plead his case before the Midnight Train.

"Wait, isn't it cheating to use supernatural aid to manipulate someone into marrying you though?" pondered Rusty.

"Maybe, but I ship it," replied the deep-voiced deity who sounded strangely like the train monarch. "I have just the thing to help you win that race."

"Freedom from rust and the ability to run faster?" guessed Rusty.

"No, silly. That would be completely impractical," answered the Starlight, and he gave Rusty three golden wheels and instructions on how to use them. "And don't change your mind and sell them on the Internet," the train deity finished.

* * *

So, armed with his plot device, Rusty approached Princess Pearl for the chance to compete for her.

"He looks like a puppy," observed Pearl, looking over the cute steamer who had a kind-of nice whistle (even if it wasn't as awesome as those dreams she had). "Shame he has to die."

"Or you could just ask him out for coffee at this point and see if you have anything in common," pointed out Tassita, but Pearl ignored her.

The race was scheduled, and both Pearl and Rusty rolled up to the starting line. As usual, Pearl gave her challenger a head start, and Rusty chugged down the track quite a ways before Pearl took off after him. Just as the speeding motor coach began to gain on him, Rusty pulled out a golden wheel and tossed it far away from the track.

"Supernatural shiny!" cried Pearl, braking hard to go chase after the wheel.

However, in the time it took her to grab it, Rusty had gained a significant lead again, and Pearl sped after him. She caught up with him in no time and just as she was about to pass him, Rusty threw the second wheel, out into a rock quarry.

"Nuh-uh," said Pearl. "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice - " But Pearl did not finish because that wheel was very shiny, and she jumped off the track to go grab it. Once again Rusty got a good lead, and once again Pearl caught up with him in no time.

The finish line was in sight now, and both characters charged for it. Pearl started to pull ahead - and Rusty threw his final golden wheel.

"Stupid plot device," growled Pearl and ran after the final one, but it landed in a river, and she took too long to get it. Rusty won, and King Poppa declared him Pearl's future husband.

"Well, at least he's cute," decided Pearl as she and Rusty made their wedding plans.

However, since so many engines had been dismantled due to losing to Pearl, this meant that the remaining locomotives in the land had to pick up their workload, else the economy collapse. Rusty had to transport more trains than he ever had in his entire life, and he was so busy that he missed his wedding and never got married.

Pearl went back to being a single motor coach but found her own apartment so that she could be completely independent, and Poppa got his swimming pool, so this tale ends with true love after all.

THE END

Xxx

Great big shout out to Overly Sarcastic Productions and their video for Atalanta, which did the Greek myth a lot more justice! (The joke about the Starlight shipping Prusty was inspired by their portrayal of Aphrodite.) Check it out and show them support. :)


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